He will never be the same. I doubt that Dean will be okay. Even if he tries to live a normal life with Lisa and sweet little Benâ€¦
But this is not where it ends.
Sam returns. He remains standing outside, looking on, his face a bleak mask. This will leave us confused for the rest of the hiatus â€“ who is he? Did he return as Sam, human and alive, rewarded with redemption for his great sacrifice? Or is he a demon? A ghost? At this point I will not go into speculations. Finding out how Sam came back and who he is might be a part of the following season.
And I am so happy that weâ€™re going to have another one. Parting with this show after such a devastating, intense and nerve-wrecking finale seems inconceivable.
Kripke delivered the best possible episode, summing up the essence of the show, as we have loved it from the beginning: itâ€™s all about family. And love. As cheesy as it may sound, thatâ€™s at its core.
I am so not immune to what this show does to me. I keep expecting to build up some immunity to its emotional hooks and meat grinders, but I havenâ€™t achieved that, yet. I have never felt this drained by a tv show, and yet I love it and would not change it for the world. But after watching this finale, I needed some time to find my heart again. It felt as if it had gone down the pit with Samâ€¦
All of a sudden there was an empty sensation. Like my body wasnâ€™t mine anymore. And then the pain set it. As if some huge steel cramp twisted my soul with delicious malice. Why does this show do this to me â€“ or to any of us?
It didnâ€™t take me long to find an answer â€“ itâ€™s all about family, of course. When I finished watching this episode, I looked around and spotted the pics of my family members and passed on loved ones. They are assembled in a little corner of my living room, a collection of memoranda of people who are no longer available to me, and suddenly so many pictures came to meâ€¦ not unlike the flashback Sam was experiencing in the end. And then the tears came.
Itâ€™s often like that, isnâ€™t it? A scene, a moment, a word reminds us of something in our lives â€“ and in this particular show those sequences are so marvellously played out by a pair of gifted young actors and their co-stars that we canâ€™t stay ignorant. They hit our hearts with almost nuclear energy and evoke personal moments that meant a lot to us.
Well, I can only speak for me, of course. For a moment I thought I would not survive this episode. Countless moments I bargained with God or Death for someone I lost (well, I thought I did, there was no voice on the other end of the line) came to mind and it felt like â€¦ there are not really words to say how it felt. Perhaps like Sam might have felt falling into that fathomless pit. Or like Dean felt watching his brother go.
But â€˜family donâ€™t end with bloodâ€™ and forcefully I reminded myself of the dear friends that are my family now. And it got easier, tolerable.
A part of me, the one that still sometimes feel that pain, wishes not to have watched this episode. Another part, the professional one, comes up telling me: you need to distance yourself from this fictional story. Itâ€™s hard, though.
Good stories are supposed to move us, to be an echo of personal experiences that will draw us in.
I might not be watching this episode for a while, to not get sucked into this meat grinder that has fun playing with my soul right now. Or I might. I have not idea, as of yet. I love it, though. For me, itâ€™s one of the best, if not the best episode of the entire show. I am in awe. As much as I could ever be.
I could imagine, some of you experienced similar emotions while watching Swan Song. It can be painful, you bet it can, but then again â€“ these are your emotions. They canâ€™t harm you. Not anymore. Whatever it was that made you sad in the past and was woken by this amazing story â€“ you already survived it. So, if you feel you need to tear up and cry bucketsâ€¦ being knee-deep in Kleenex would be an understatement in my caseâ€¦ do so. Itâ€™s not a crime to be emotional, compassionate and capable of allowing a fictional story to move you so deeply you can hardly believe it possible.
Death is not really the end, I believe. Even though some are not here anymore, we carry them in our hearts. Dean will have to live with that for now, as Sam had to after he lost his brother to hell. We, as viewers, will accompany them, feel and fret with them. And go on loving this marvellous show.
Allow me to end, as I began, with Dylan Thomas immortal words that somehow felt right here:
â€˜Though they go mad, they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea, they shall rise again,