Step one: Act crazy – Men love a chick that is a little nucking futters. Their minds just go wild with thoughts of stuff like, “If she’s this crazy when it comes to reality, I can’t wait to see how insane she is in the sack!”
Step Two: Escape from your current living facility – It’s true; if you have followed step one to the tee you are probably locked away in some sort of asylum for “your own safety”. Prove to the man of your dreams that you’re a bad ass by breaking out.
Step Three: Be telepathic – I’ll admit this is a stretch for those of you who are not celestial beings, but believe me it helps. When the vessel of your dreams and his brother walk into a room pretend you know everything about them. Say that you heard that the vessel was saved and that angels talk about him. It will help boost his ego and put the whole good-girl-who-has-a-bad-side image of you in his head. After all, a girl who hears angels, after escaping from a mental home, practically screams, “I have both sugar and spice!”
Step Four: Be needy – Okay, now let’s not go crazy with this one, ladies. This is more of a counter measure to step two. After proving you have what it takes to escape a high security mental facility your conquest may feel useless. Show him you still need all his brawn by playing the helpless card. Just make sure you don’t overdo the theatrics.
Step Five: Create a demand – I had the help (and I use that term loosely) of Castiel and Uriel showing up but any one of your guy friends will do. Ask them to suddenly show up and, in front of your vessel-to-shag, demand that you go with them. Suddenly your dream vessel will want you all the more because you’re in high demand.
Step Six: Create a deadly demand – Now here’s where you throw the curve ball. Tell your guy friends that they also need to threaten your life. That way your vessel will feel the sudden urge to protect you. For further reference please refer back to step four.
Step Seven: Be artistic and wounded at the same time – I accomplished this by slicing up my hands and using the blood to create an angel banishing sigil. Doing something drastic, yet expressive, like this will show your vessel you mean serious business! Plus, what better way for him to get close contact with you than to clean you wounds while admiring your art work.
Step Eight: Work in some girl on girl, er, conversation – Get a hot psychic lady to talk to you while you scream and convulse on a cot. It’s as simple as that and his mind will be going crazy as it thinks of what else can make you throw a fit in bed. *wink wink*
Step Nine: Claim to be an angel –Not just any angel, but a fallen one! This will help add to the whole “I’m both a little naughty and nice” persona you are setting up.
Step Ten: Ask for his help to get your grace back – If you make it apparent that you absolutely need your grace and that he is really the only one who can help then he’ll jump at the opportunity to prove his worthiness. Think of it as the angel equivalent of sending a heroic knight out to slay a dragon. There’s nothing a knight loves more than showing off.
Step Eleven: Throw in end of the Earth references – Make sure you mention to your man that the end of the Earth is near. This will get him thinking about one thing and one thing only, “What? I don’t want to die without one last little roll in the hay!” Unless your vessel is a virgin. Then it may be more like, “What? I don’t want to die without ever experiencing a roll in the hay!”
Step Twelve: Make love in a way that is oddly reminiscent of James’ Cameron’s Titanic – Dudes won’t admit this, but they love that movie just as much as chicks do. So if you suddenly say, “Hey, let’s shag in the back of your car with steamy windows and a possible hand thrown onto the window,” your chances of scoring with the vessel of a higher angel increase tenfold.
And, if all else fails and these above steps don’t work, there is one last thing you can do.
Go back in time and attempt to kill his mom*. It shows you know how to be a bit--, well, er, a not-so-nice-angel when it counts. It will also let him know that you plan on being the number one woman in his life.
That’s all the advice for tonight! Thanks for reading!
*Possible side effects of this measure may include pissed off vessel of higher angel, said vessel never being born, or death resulting from not so happy angel of the vessel.