Monster Movie
--Robin's Rambles by Robin Vogel

Thunder and lightning fill the sky as the credits roll just like they would in an old time monster movie. The Impala turns a corner, passing a sign that alternately reads, "Welcome to Pennsylvania" and "Welcome to Transylvania." While Sam thinks they should be addressing the coming end of the world, Dean is delighted to have a black and white case involving nothing more than a few vampires to behead.

Oktoberfest 2008 - The proper music plays as prettily dressed girls walk the street. Dean and Sam, suited up, exit the Impala. Dean wants to see the new RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK movie and is upset to learn Sam saw it without him. "You were in hell," Sam reminds him. "No excuse," says Dean. Dean runs over to grab big pretzels for the two of them as Sam fondly shakes his head. A sweet honey greets Dean. "Guten tag yourself," says Dean. Agents "Angus" and "Young" meet Sheriff Dietrich, who takes them to the morgue and shows them the young woman who was killed--two bite marks on her neck. A Satan-worshipping, Anne Rice-reading Gothic psycho vampire wannabe, suggests the sheriff. There was a witness, Ed Brewer, but not the most reliable guy. We see the brothers and the sheriff from the dead woman's viewpoint as the drawer is shut.

Sam and Dean enter a crowded bar where he sees and flirts with Jamie, the pretty bar wench he saw earlier. Sam asks where they can find Ed Brewer. Jamie doesn't think Dean "comes on like a Fed." He tells her he's a rebel, a maverick with a badge, and one thing he doesn't play by are rules. Sam asks again where they can find Brewer. Ed is drinking from the biggest beer stein I've ever seen, upset that he's the town joke. The Winchesters assure him they have lots of experience with strange. So Ed describes coming across a man biting a woman's neck. He was a vampire with fangs, slicked back hair, cape, medallion--Dracula! Right down to the accent! "Stay avay from me, the night is mine!"

Behind the bar, Jamie talks to her friend, Lucy, who blots her lipstick and lays down the napkin she used. Jamie admonishes Lucy for calling Ed crazy. Lucy reminds Jamie that Ed tips her in 20's. Dean asks Jamie for a beer after Lucy goes to another customer. Jamie asks if he's off-duty. "And then some," smiles Dean. Sam picks up Lucy's discarded napkin. Dean and Sam agree this isn't their kind of case, but Dean's cool; their room is paid for, it's Oktoberfest and they have beer and bar wenches. Sam suggests today's women don't like being called bar wenches. "Hey, bar wench, where's my beer?" demands Dean. "Coming right up!" says Jamie cheerily, making Sam shake his head. "Dude, Oktoberfest," says Dean. When Jamie asks Sam what he'll have, Dean says his partner doesn't drink, and is a real drag on stakeouts. He tries to pick her up, but she doesn't bite. "It's time to right some wrongs, Dean tells his brother. He came back from the furnace with a perfect body, "Which leads me to conclude, sadly, that my virginity is intact--I have been rehymenated--and the dude will not abide." Laughing at how ridiculous that is, Sam heads off to get some sleep. Dean tries again to ask Jamie for a date, but she refuses, "I promised Lucy a girls' night out." Besides, no self-respecting girl lets a customer pick her up on the first try--"Try again tomorrow night, G-man." "I don't think we're staying on the case," he explains, "not weird enough."

Full moon. . .a wolf howls. Rick and his date, Anne-Marie, make out in his car. He tells her if a man doesn't get all the "stuff" out of his system, it can cause all sorts of medical problems. They return to passionate kissing. Two hairy, wolfish hands head their way. Anne-Marie hears something, but her impatient date says, "There aren't any wolves in Pennsylvania." A wolfman breaks the window on his side of the car and drags him out. Anne-Marie screams.

Anne-Marie, drinking a huge soda, sits before a skeptical Sam and Dean, explaining, "And then it tore him into little piece." Asked to describe the creature, she replies, "It was a werewolf--from the old movies." They thank her for her time.

Morgue - Sam and Dean examine Rick's smelly remains--bite marks down to the bone--but the heart wasn't taken. What's up? Sheriff Dietrich joins them; canine hair was found on the body. Dean squeezes the bridge of his nose. I'm getting a headache," he complains.

Bar - Over a meal, Dean remarks it feels like they've stumbled over a midnight showing of DRACULA meets WOLFMAN. Jamie brings over more beer and says this case just got weird enough for their department. "Beers are on me," she says, and to Dean, "I get off at midnight tonight." Not another girls' night out, she says, gesturing to Lucy, who's blotting her lipstick behind the bar. Dean's thrilled. He wonders if this Dracula can turn into a bat. "That'd be cool," he says, leaving a cute beer mustache on his upper lip.

Canonsburg Museum of American History - A mysterious delivery shows up, something Egyptian, looks like a sarcophagus. A guard is on the phone describing it to someone when a creature rises from it--the Mummy! The guard drops the phone, screams out, "Holy mother of crap!", pulls out his gun, shoots the thing coming toward him (futile). He is lifted off his feet and strangled to death. We see the Mummy's hideous teeth and the poor guard's open mouth as he utters his death cry.

Museum - There is a flurry of activity as the Coroner's office wheels away the guard's body, photos are taken, and the Sheriff confers with his deputies. Sam and Dean examine the sarcophagus. "This isn't ancient," declares Sam, "it's from a prop house in Philly. There's a bucket of dry ice from the same place, which Dean finds inside. Whoever is doing this has quite a sense of showmanship, says Dean. He checks his watch - he's late for his date with Jamie! He leaves the crime scene to Sam and races off.

Bar - Jamie waits, checks her watch, decides she's given Dean enough time. "Your loss, G-man." She walks away, hears a noise and turns--Dracula! "Good evening," he says in his Transylvanian accent. Jamie runs, he throws his cape over one shoulder and follows her. When he catches up, his eyes are highlighted, just like in the movies. "I have watched you for many nights from afar," he says, "my passion knows no bounds, Mina, you are the reincarnation of my beloved, I must have you!" She reaches into her purse and sprays him in the face with Mace. "Son of a b-!" he cries, his voice no longer accented. Jamie races away, "Dracula" in pursuit. She runs right into Dean and they turn and face Dracula. "Son of a bitch," says Dean. "You should not use such language in the presence of my bride," scolds Drac. "OK," says Dean, and punches him. When Dracula stands, his fangs are showing, and he backs Dean into a brick wall. "Run, Jamie!" shouts Dean. She does. 'You have no choice in the matter, Mr. Harker, Mina is mine!" says Dracula, homing in on Dean's jugular. Dean grabs the vampire's ear, trying to push him away, but the ear comes off in his hand, and Dracula runs off, Dean in pursuit. Drac leaps over an iron gate and takes off--on a motor scooter! He toots his horn and rides away, leaving Dean looking at him through the bars of the gate. A curtain with the word INTERMISSION written on it lets us know we're halfway through the show--time for my big brother to buy me popcorn!

Bar - Sam joins Dean and a shaken Jamie. Sam looks at the ear Dean ripped off Dracula, then touches it--shapeshifter skin, just like in St. Louis and Milwaukee! Dean also pulled off Drac's medallion--another article from the prop shop. They conclude this means the shapeshifter has been all the creatures, and they have to stop him before he, as Dean puts it, "Creature from the Black Lagoon's" somebody. Jamie asks if they're like Mulder and Scully from the X-Files. That's a TV show, says Dean, THIS is real. Sam points out that it's like he's trying to reenact his favorite monster movies, right down to the murders--Mina is Dracula's intended bride, Jonathan Harker her real fiance who stands in his way; Dracula is fixating on Jamie. Dean asks if anyone strange has come to town who's taken special notice of her. It's Oktoberfest, she's a bartender, so what can she say? Hmm, Ed Brewer has a crush on her, but she doesn't think he's that type. Dean sends Sam to the old movie theater, where Ed works, to check him out. Dean will guard "Jamie." (Later) "So shapeshifers can turn into different people," muses Jamie. "This one is turning into great monsters of screenland," says Dean, "a new one for me." "So you and your partner tramp around the country on your own dime, looking for some horrible monster to fight?" she asks. "Some people paint," he says. "Wow, that must suck," opines Jamie, "you're giving up your life for this terrible responsibility." Dean explains, "Last few years, I started thinking that way, and it weighed on me; a little while ago I had this near-death experience, very near, and when I came to, my life's been different, I realized I help people, I save them, I guess it's awesome, it's like a gift, a mission, a mission from God." "So does that make you some kind of monk or something?" she asks throatily, moving in close, celibate?" "Man, I hope not," says Dean, leaning in to kiss her. They're getting into it greedily when Lucy turns on the light, interrupting them. She apologizes, she was just getting a bottle for her own private party, and she'll just go. Jamie invites her to stay for a drink, and Dean agrees, with much sarcasm, because this will stall his long-awaited de-hymenation.

Sam goes to the theater where Ed works. Phantom of the Opera is playing there. Sam draws his gun and enters. In a very cool, creepy effect, we see only a shadow playing the keyboard. When Sam enters, Ed adds a little jazzy extra to the music that really doesn't fit, but is very funny. Sam points the gun at him, bends him back over the bench and makes accusations: "I know what you are!" Ed assures him he just likes to play the Casio. "Had time to grow the ear back, huh?" asks Sam, pulling hard on Ed's ear. When Ed yowls in agony, Sam, puzzled, says, "It's supposed to come off." "No! It's not!" cries Ed. Sam, embarrassed, makes a cute face at his faux pas Ed is NOT their shapeshifter, but he sure is weird!

Bar - Jamie, more than a little drunk, brags to Lucy how Dean flew in and saved her from Dracula. "I didn't exactly fly, but it sure seemed that way at the time," says a modest Dean. Lucy blots her lipstick and leaves the napkin on the table, then asks Dean, "Are you like a black belt or what?" Dean notices that Jamie looks close to passing out, then that his glass of booze appears to be twirling round and round. "I guess they train you to fight at the Academy or whatever," says Lucy. Dean abruptly punches her in the face. Jamie passes out on the bench. "It's you, isn't it?" demands Dean. Lucy puts her askew mouth back in place. Dean kicks her. "What did you put in our drinks?" he asks, picking up the bottle from which they'd been drinking. He smashes the bottle's bottom on the edge of the table and menaces Lucy with it. "I'll skin you myself!" he threatens, but instead falls face forward to the floor. Lucy gazes down at him, smiling. "End scene," she says, before she stomps on his head.

Spooky castle - Dean, who has been changed into a Hansel outfit, complete with Lederhosen, has been clamped to a Frankenstein-type table. He awakens and stares down at his attire. "Come ON!" he says. He spots a poster on the wall--Lucy, who Dracula explains was bride #3 from the first film. She never got the acclaim she deserved, but he chose her form to walk among the mortals. That's when he saw his bride had been reborn in this century. Dean, laughing, can't get over what a pumpkin pie eyed son of a bitch he really is! "You're not Dracula!" says Dean. "And even if you are, what the hell's up with the Mummy?" Dracula punches him. "I am ALL monsters!" proclaims Drac. "Life ain't a movie, you sorry sack of sh-" Drac punches him again, then says, "Life is small, meager, messy. The movies are grand, simple, elegant. I have chosen--elegance!" Dean reminds him of those he murdered. "Of course, it is a monster movie, after all," says Drac. "You do realize what happens at the end of every monster movie?" asks Dean. "Ah," says Drac, "but this is MY movie, and in it, the monster wins, the monster gets the girl, and the hero is electrocuted! Tonight, Jonathan Harker, you will be my hero!" He reaches for a lever, with hilarious sloth, to do just that, as Dean chuckles nervously, trying to struggle out of his bonds. The doorbell rings. "Please, excuse me," says Drac, throwing his cape around himself dramatically. He runs upstairs. Dean drops his head to the table with relief. Reprieve! Upstairs, Drac has ordered a pizza--their repast! "Continue to be of such service and your life will be spared," promises Drac. He annoys the delivery guy by asking if there's garlic on the pizza, but the kid, irritated, says there isn't if he didn't order it. Oh, and Drac has a coupon, too!

Bar - Returning to find Dean and Jamie gone, Sam calls Dean's cell to report that Ed is not their guy. "I'm guessing you're home with Jamie, so give me a call." However, he notices the broken bottle, three glasses--and the napkin with the lipstick stain! "Lucy!" realizes Sam.

Castle - Jamie awakens in an ornate, candlelit bedroom. A gorgeous gown hangs nearby. "You wear the gown," says Dracula, "it suits your beauty." He assures her "Harker", aka Dean, is resting, and she is to put on the gown so they can have dinner--"We are having pizza." He gestures to the pie, which is on a silver platter. "What's wrong with you?" she asks. "You made up Lucy, pretended to be my friend." "I had to know if you were the one," he explains. "You should try talking to people," she says, but instead you become THIS? I don't want to play your stupid game, I just wanna go home." "PUT ON THE GOWN!" he screams, his accent gone. She reaches for the dress. Downstairs, Sam has broken into the house and pulled out his gun. Jamie looks very fetching in the gown. Dracula, accent missing, says, "I scared you. You're the only one I didn't want to scare." He gestures to their surroundings. "I just love the movies." "They aren't real," says Jamie, "you can't make them real." "Real is being born this way," he says, "different. Real is having your dad call you monster. The first time you hear the word, and he tries to beat you to death with a shovel. Everywhere I tried to hide, people dragged me out, attacked me, called me freak, monster. Then I found THEM. Great monsters. In their movies, they were strong, feared, beautiful, and now I'm like them, commanding, terrifying." "Lonely," says Jamie. "WAS lonely," he corrects. He reaches out to touch her face, but she flinches away. "Now I have you," he says. "Ever think it's only because you KILL people?" she asks. "Or I kill people because I'm lonely?" he says. "Did you hear that?" "What?" she asks. "Dean? Dean!!!!!!" Drac smacks her so hard, she falls to the bed, unconscious. Drac covers his mouth, horrified over what he did to his bride.

Sam finds and frees his brother. "Just in the nick of time," says Dean, "the guy was about to Frankenstein me!" "Hey there, Hansel," says a grinning Sam. "Shut up!" orders Dean. Sam kicks at heavy wooden doors, which simply fall down. They move on. Sam spies Jamie on the bed, but Drac attacks him from behind and throws him through a very thin wall. Sam lies unconscious. "You will never win, Van Helsing!" says Drac, accent back in place. Dean attacks him, and Drac gets in a flurry of hard punches. "Now, Harker, you will die!" declares Drac. "How about you shut the hell up?" suggests Dean. Drac is about to put the bite on Dean, who's on the floor, but is shot from behind. "Silver?" asks Drac, confused. He turns. Lucy has picked up Sam's gun and shot him. Syrupy violins play. "Twas beauty that killed the beast," he says, "no, Mina, do not weep, perhaps this is how the movie SHOULD end." He falls artfully into a chair and dies. The camera pans away, leaving us looking at Dracula through a small hole, which then closes altogether.

Oktoberfest Square - Dean and Jamie kiss lingeringly. "Thank you, G-man," she says, "you've been of GREAT service to your country." "Very, very patriotic," he agrees. Sam watches uncomfortably. One last kiss, and Dean joins Sam. "You guys saved my life, you know," says Jamie, "so, thanks." "I like her," says Sam. "It feels good to be back on the job, doesn't it?" asks Dean. Sam agrees. "Hero gets the girl, monster gets the gank," says Dean, "all in all, happy ending--with a happy ending, no less." "Real classy," says Sam sarcastically. Dean thinks it would be nice if life was like a movie, but if it was up to him, it wouldn't be this ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE MONSTERS crap. He's sure Sam has no idea what movie he would choose, but Sam nails it, to Dean's annoyance: PORKY'S 2. "Lucky guess," says Dean sullenly. THE END. . .?

Credits run over a slate gray sky as the movie score plays over them. What a different, brilliant episode! I absolutely loved this!