The "THEN" segment is promising, for it features The Trickster/Gabriel. That means he'll be in this episode. Cool thing, he's my favorite recurring character. Might I also add that this "THEN" part is really long, meaning this week's episode was short on time. "NOW"â€¦ A dark night, it's raining, it's Muncie, Indiana (home of Ball State), there's an abandoned motel from the 60's and a car pulls up. It's this week's redshirt. A local cop and looks around with a flashlight. As he's walking by all the ruins, a dead potted plant suddenly starts blooming flowers.
He checks around some more and sees nothing, then notices the cracks on a broken mirror on the wall start to disappear, putting the mirror back intact. That's kind of cool! Cop turns around after seeing the newly formed mirror and there's a guy there in a red jacket, bowtie, and a smile. "Buddy, you can't be here," the cop says. "Of course I can," replies the guy. "Someone's got to get everything ready. They're coming, all of them." To Muncie? All the powerful mythological Gods of the Universe and they're in this Godforsaken part of flat boring Indiana? Couldn't they have done Vegas or something? Red jacket dude continues. "And we've each got our part to play, even you." The guy doesn't understand. "You're dinner," red jacket says with a big grin. He grabs him and we get the infamous blood spatter against the wall. Okay, a very standard teaser.
Lounge music comes on and suddenly the old rundown mess is bright, flashy, and new. The illuminated sign proudly shows "The Elysian Fields Hotel." The place is all beautiful and lit up outside with new neon signs in the pouring rain. Enter Impala. Sam and Dean burst into the hotel lobby sopping wet and quite a little stunned by what they see. It's a high class place bustling with people. "Nice digs for once," Dean says. Of course that's when I see Richard Speight Jr. in the cast list, so yes, there will be Trickster/Gabriel in this one. I'm happy!
Red jacket happens to be the clerk at the desk and he types quickly into the fancy state of the art computer reservation system. Dean makes small talk that it's a busy night and red jacket comments it's the only port in the storm. Yeah, neon like that in rural Indiana does indeed stick out like a sore thumb. Come to think of it, anything does that isn't farm related. He has Dean full out the registration card and then points out Dean has a little shaving nick on his neck. He produces a Kleenex in no time. Dean checks, sure enough, he's bleeding. Remember this, it's important for later.
Red jacket with a smile produces the key for Dean and this place is not fancy enough to have key cards? I know a key is retro but the dÃ©cor hints old with modern thrown in. It just seems off. Yep, that observation is coming from a technology guru. Dean asks if there's a coffee shop and red jacket boasts about their all you can eat buffet in the hotel. "Best pie in the tri-state area." So their pie is better than what Ohio and Michigan has to offer? Yeah, probably. That's not much of a stretch in those parts. That gets Dean smiling.
Next Dean is at a table with many luscious pies and he's having a hard time choosing which one to have. How about both? A short man in horned rimmed glasses is there and says "Heaven, right?" Dean replies with a smile "Trust me pal, better." Ha! He would know. Dean then grabs a truffle off one of the pies and eats it. He walks through this nice restaurant with the red table cloths and comes across an Indian woman sitting there enjoying a cosmo. Dean channels his inner Joey Tribbiani. "How you doing?" Seriously? Give me a break. Bad writers, Bad! She says no. Dean tries to talk more and she keeps saying no. Dean tries to get out he means no offense and she understands. "And no." Well that's one way to shut Dean down, I guess. It's all kind of a head scratcher to me.
He goes to the table where Sam is, who has an untouched plate of food. It looks like chicken, a bunch of vegetables and corn on the cob. At least it's not salad. Sam is checking the Blackberry and looking pretty dire. "Sam, unpucker man, eat something." Sam wants to hit the road. Dean can't believe he wants to go in this weather, but Sam gives that as the reason. It's biblical. "It's freaking Noah's ark out there and we're eating pie." Oh Sam, come on. For one, you're not eating pie. You never do. Second, you just worked your way back to greatness in the last few weeks holding things together. You're back to being a wet blanket again?
Dean looks at him with skepticism. "How many hours of sleep you get this week. Three, four?" Sam brushes it off. You know, I'm trying to figure out how Sam is still standing if that is the case. Bobby has his feelers out and they've talked to just about everyone they could in twelve states. Get cracking then, you've got 38 more to go. Plus 10 Canadian provinces and 3 territories. When are Sam and Dean going to Canada BTW? Wouldn't it be nice if a show filmed in Canada for once took place in Canada? Sam declares he's not giving up. Dean says no one is giving up, especially him. "We're gonna find a way to beat the Devil, okay, soon, I can feel it, and we'll find Cas and we'll find Adam but you are no good to me burnt out." Sam says okay and puts the phone away. Dean points out they actually get the night off for once and try to enjoy it. Right, when has that ever happened?
The waitress walks by and she goes into the kitchen. Sure enough on the butcher table is half of a human arm. Man, these boys can't get a break, can they? When are we going to have an episode where Sam and Dean sit in a hot tub drinking beers and flirt with women all hour? Right, season nine. Sam and Dean are in the hallway walking back to their room and see a young honeymooning couple pawing each other. They of course watch and Dean is really being amused. Sam asks Dean if he's twelve. "I'm young at heart," Dean replies. Meh, there are so many better ways to answer that. Of course I can't come up with anything off the top of my head, so I'll move on.
They enter the room and Dean is impressed, claiming they're like the Rockefellers. There's even chocolates on the bed. Dean naturally goes for his and Sam's as well, but Sam doesn't seem to care. Dean then gets really excited, for Casa Erotica 13 is On Demand. I'm still wondering how many times he's see the other twelve. We know Sam took a liking to #4. Sam doesn't care though because he's too busy trying to figure out how they stumbled upon this place. "So what's a four star hotel doing on a no star highway." Sam, you can't enjoy anything, can you? Welcome back wet blanket Sam.
The honeymooning couple next door is going at it pretty hot and heavy and Dean has that wicked smile. Then there's a huge pounding on the wall that breaks it in, almost dislodging the very nice flat screen TV from the wall. Sam and Dean naturally have to check it out and you know, it's strange to say this, but I'm getting kind of bored. 8 minutes in and this is it? I've gotten way too spoiled by other episodes recently. I'm just going to breeze through the next several parts.
Sam and Dean check out the room next door. Couple isn't there but they find the wedding ring on the floor. They decide to ask red jacket about it at the front desk. He says they checked out just a few minutes ago. Sam notices that being weird since they were in the middle of something. Dean then shows off the ring, so red jacket with his slimy grin says he'll put that in the lost and found. So Sam and Dean check out the place. Sam follows red jacket but loses him and suddenly he has the same knick on the neck Dean did earlier. Dean gets out the EMF meter (at least it's good to see that again) and while walking by a room he sees an elephant. Yep, an elephant. He goes back and there's a black man there in a towel. "This ain't no peep show man," he says slamming the door. Um, this going anywhere?
A nice looking British guy is putting a necklace on the Indian woman from earlier. He calls her beautiful and kisses her neck. She calls him sweet and then says she hates sweet. Um, plot please? Red jacket enters and says the last guest has arrived. Everything is ready. The pantry is full. And the Winchesters? "Suspicious but under control." Indian woman asks if he has their blood. He whips over to her Clark Kent like and gives her two vials. He boasts the boys never knew what hit them. Ugh! Can this scene please end? She thanks red jacket, calling him Mercury. I guess we have a name for him now. The Brit is ready to "get this show on the road." Yikes, this reminds me of some really bad Super Friends cartoons.
Sam and Dean walk through the lobby and Sam is finding the elephant thing hard to believe. Why Sam? You've seen it all. Dean confirms, "Like full on Babar." Cool, I like continuity in references. Then they notice there isn't a soul around. Not good. They go to the front door. It's locked. "So what, the roaches check in they don't check out?" You know what, the dialogue has been really piss poor so far. What an overused line! It all clicks for Sam who is thinking about how they got there. A detour on 1-90? A freaking hurricane? Actually that did happen the year before last to us in Ohio. They do work their way up here sometimes. Just not in April. So Dean gets Sam's point, they were led there. "Like rats in a maze."
Sam and Dean investigate the kitchen and find a pot of soup boiling on the stove. "Please be tomato soup," Dean says twice. He puts in the ladle, and finds two eyeballs. Nope. Both brothers wince in disgust. "Motel Hell," Dean says. Sam spots the freezer and goes to check it out. Suddenly the man from the restaurant before appears in the window and screams to help them. The door is locked so Sam pulls out his lock pick. Dean tells Sam to hurry up but before he can let him know he's working as fast as he can two mean looking guys are standing behind Dean. He knows that look on Sam's face. "There's somebody behind me, isn't there?"
Next thing Sam and Dean are being escorted in not so courteous fashion into the grand ballroom. There's a room full of people in there with nametags. First there's Ganesh and we see his religious symbol of an elephant, then there's Odin who's some sort of Norse God, Kali in her form is known as the Destroyer (her picture holding a headless man seems to reinforce that), and Baron Samedi who I remember from Voodoo folklore because of a MacGvyer episode. Yes, I know that's really wrong.
"Something tells me this isn't a Shriner's convention," Dean says. That's a great line! About time. Then Mercury walks in serving with delight the main dish. The head and entrails of the poor cop in the intro. Sam and Dean don't look very hungry. Everyone applauds and there's a spotlight on Sam and Dean. The Brit announces, "Ladies and Gentleman, our guests of honor have arrived." Oh yeah, I'm sure they're feeling the love.
Everyone is sitting at the tables in a u-shaped setup, and the Brit is speaking. Considering I have no idea who this guy is since we didn't see his nametag, I go to supernaturalwiki. He's Baldur, which is another Norse God. Okay, the Norse are represented. In all his centuries, he's never seen anything like this, this many Gods under one roof. I'm sure that's true for Sam and Dean's twenty plus years too. Sam whispers "Gods" to Dean and yeah Sam, I don't get it either. Baldur lays out the ground rules. No slaughtering each other and keep their hands off the local virgins. In that part of Indiana? I so doubt they'd find any. Sam whispers to Dean in a panic "we are so, so screwed." Yeah, how so Sam? How more screwed than starting the apocalypse and being Satan's chosen vessel?
The issue is the Judeo-Christian apocalypse looms and they should set aside their differences from the past. You see, I'm still trying to get this. Sam is looking REALLY nervous while Dean is intently listening. What's the worse they could do to you Sam? They're just a bunch of mythological Gods. The gist is if they don't look toward the future, they won't have one. Lucky for them, they have two bargaining chips. You see Sam, you and Dean are just pawns in their game! Nothing to worry about.
Baldur is taking suggestions on what to do now. This is where the whole concept gets a bit ludicrous. Okay, forget a bit. Some angry Chinese dude, who supernaturalwiki.com tells me is Zao Shen, says they should kill them, but Ganesh so wisely points out that they'll only be brought back by the angels. Odin doesn't see the issue, it's just a couple of angels having a slap fight. He goes on about some legend about when Armageddon comes two serpents will rise and he'll be eaten by a big wolf. I'm putting your religion Odin at the back of the bus with the ones created by sci-fi writers.
Zao Shen says in subtitles "here we go," and Odin questions that his believes are more realistic. The whole world is getting carried on the back of a giant turtle. Sam and Dean are now seeing just how ludicrous all of this is. "Don't mock my world turtle," the angry Zao warns. Can't we just mock everyone and call it a day? There's a line in the Simpsons I think is perfect for all this.
Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu. There are seven hundred million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super.
That's what I'm saying about all this about all the miscellaneous. "Aww, that's super." More words exchanged between Odin and the bald headed oriental dude so Sam and Dean turn tail and try to leave. A chandelier comes crashing down, thwarting that. It comes from Kali, the Destroyer. "Stay" she orders. Oh yeah, they're sitting down.
Kali gets all tough. She wants to fight. The archangels only understand violence and this will end in blood. Now she's talking sense! "It's them or us." Um, okay, you went too far there. It's you babe. Mercury, still in bow tie and red jacket, points out they haven't even tried talking to them. Kali gets mad and chokes Mercury with her mind, but Baldur tells her to stop. How did this tool end up running the show? He isn't the Norse God of arbitration and mediation. He's not much of a God at all if you ask me.
The tension is broken up when the doors fly open. It's The Trickster/Gabriel! He's using the overused Rodney King line "Can't we all just get along," but given his flippant delivery, it's great. Sam tries to call him "Gabriel" but he silences Sam and Dean fast. I guess he's got a cover to maintain. "Sam, Dean, it's always wrong place worst time with you muttonheads, huh?" Ain't that the truth! Then Baldur calls him Loki. Cool! I haven't heard him called that name since season two.
He greets Baldur with animosity, mentioning his invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. Why is he there? To talk about the elephant in the room. Ganesh gets up and Gabriel tells him "not you." No, the apocalypse elephant. He tells them they can't stop it. Oh, but first things first. He turns to Sam and Dean. "The adults need to have a little conversation. Check you later." He zaps them away.
Sam and Dean are back in their room and needless to say, rattled as hell. "Okay, did that, Holy crap!" Dean says. Now you're talking proper gibberish Dean. Sam decides to throw this moment in his face. "By the way, next time I say let's keep driving, let's keep driving." Dean agrees that for next time, but they're in a mess now. Sam wonders what they do next . Dean suggests rescuing the people in the freezer and gank a few a freaks along the way if they're lucky. "And when are you ever lucky?" It's Gabriel, now on the sofa. Those angels get the best appearances.
"You know what, bite me Gabriel," Dean says. "Maybe later," quips Gabriel. Hah! Those two need a room. Dean thinks this situation has Gabe's stink all over it and he denies it. "I'm the Costner to your Houston." Hmm, interesting metaphor. He's there to save them. "You want to pull us out of the fire?" Dean asks. "Bingo," Gabe answers. Those guys are either going to dust them or use them as bait. They're "overboned." Is that a word? It's not even in the Urban Dictionary. Dean brings up Gabe's message from "Changing Channels" that he wanted them to play their roles. He's "overboning" them.
Gabe says the end is still happening, Michael and Lucifer are going to "dance the Lambada." Interesting. I took them more to be Tango people. Not tonight, not there. Why does he care? He claims he doesn't, but he and Kali, uh, "had a thing." Oh, so he wants to save Kali. I'll accept that reason. "The chick was all hands." Ha! Good joke. He admits to being sentimental. Sam doesn't care about that. He's still too uptight about the whole meat suit thing. "Do they have a chance, against Satan?" Dean doesn't like the suggestion. "You got a better idea Dean?" Gabriel looks at him seriously. "It's a bad idea. Lucifer's going to turn them into fingerpaint." That's another good analogy. I guess they were saving all the good ones for Gabe.
He wants to get them out of there and Dean is ready for him to zap them away. He would if he could, but Kali has them by the "short and curlies." Yikes! That's an image I don't need in my head. It's a blood spell. They're on a leash. Dean wants to know what that means. "It means it's time for a little of the old, black magic." He pulls out some breath spray. Really Gabe? She's so cold. She's not your type. You need someone more...¦I don't know...fun.
Dean wants to take the "hors d'ouvres" in the freezer with them. Gabe hates the idea. It's going to be hard enough to get them out of there. Oh, but Dean's thinking. They called him Loki, which means they don't know who he is. Gabe reminds them he's in witness protection. Dean threatens to reveal to "The Legion of Doom his secret identity" if he doesn't do what they ask. "They don't seem like a pro-angel type of crowd." "I'll take your voices away," Gabe threatens. "We'll write it down," Dean says. "I'll cut off your hands, " replies Gabe. "Well the people are going to be asking â€˜why are you guys running around with no hands?'" Dean wins. This episode got WAY more interesting when these three are put together. Awesome stuff. Gabe stares down Dean, then Sam who throws a glare at him in support of Dean. "Fine," he says irritated.
Kali is in the bedroom removing that red shirt to reveal the black bra underneath. What happened to unpretty Goddesses with sagging boobs? The lights go out, the candles light by themselves and there's Gabriel standing with a leer and a rose. He greets her in French, she tells him to leave. He acknowledges she always did play hard to get. She moved on and he mocks her for choosing Baldur. I agree with him there. What a tool. She calls in uncomplicated. Yep, tool.
Sam and Dean are freely walking the lobby (?) and hear the man from the restaurant screaming. They duck around the corner and the man is being dragged to the front desk, where the Gods are holding him down and fat oriental God is holding a cleaver. He sees Dean and pleads for help but Samâ€¦uhâ€¦stops him? "It's too late?" It is??? Since when? Then Dean actually listens to Sam? Huh? What happened to the saving people thing? Let me see, what was that code word I used for extreme out of character moments? Oh, that's right. Bazinga!
Back to Kali and Gabe, who is pouring champagne. He's trying to woo a spiteful Hindu God with drink? She calls him pathetic. It ends up she's the one that called him there, because she thought he'd take it seriously. Oh, he does. "I'm taking this seriously. Ship sinking, time to get off." She doesn't think it has to be like that but he's afraid it does. "If we fight-" she says, "you die," Gabriel answers. She wants to know what makes him an expert. He claims to have tussled with "those winged ass-monkeys once or twice." Yeah, probably more than that. He grabs her hand and sincerely begs her to not do this. She claims she has to which makes Gabriel really sad. Aw, he does care for her. He sees that she's not going to budge and asks her to not blame him for trying. "Still love me?" "No," she says. She grabs him and they kiss passionately. Aww, the Trickster is in wuv.
Back to Sam and Dean trying to rescue the other humans from the fridge. Zao dude grabs Dean and throws him into a rack. Then he chokes Sam, thwarting his lock picking attempt. Back to Gabe and Kali who are making out and while doing so he tries to grab the vials of Sam and Dean's blood. It cuts between that and Sam getting choked. Kali pulls out a knife and knicks Gabe in the neck. Dean somehow finds a wooden stake (???) and gets big choking dude through the heart. He falls and Sam is released. Dean wants to know where Gabriel is. He's busy with other things, like Kali figuring it all out. "You must take me for a fool, Gabriel." She holds up her bloody hand. "You're bound to me, now and forever."
Instead of fading to commercial, there's theâ€¦Ghostfacers? The screen distorts some more and sure enough there's Harry and Ed. "Ghostfacers!" they scream into the camera. Then the opening logo and them song from the "Ghostfacers" episode roll. It's the whole crew from the Webisodes. Then there's Harry and Ed offering they're warning. "If you're dead, you better stay dead. Because if not, we're gonna kill you." The logo comes up announcing the web series on CWTV.com. For those in the US, check it out! You know, that promo is actually funnier and way better than this whole episode so far! Way to shake things up CW.
Sam and Dean are again dragged into the ballroom but this time Gabriel is there, rolling his eyes. "How long have you known?" He asks Kali. "Long enough," she claims. Sam and Dean are thrown into chairs next to Gabe, whose looking mighty uncomfortable. "How's the rescue going?" Dean asks. He gets a sarcastic smile from Gabe in response. Kali announces to everyone The Trickster has tricked them. He begs Kali to don't do this, but she's still hung up on the fact he's hers now. They she gets all sexy, because that's what happens when you're a great looking God with awesome power, throwing herself all over an archangel because there's something she wants.
Oh there, she found it. It's his archangel's blade. That he just happens to keep in his jacket. Ooookaaaayy. Good thing for her, huh? "From the archangel Gabriel." Oh boy, I'm stunned (sarcasm there). At least Gabe has a proper answer. "Okay, okay, so I've got wings. Like kotex." That's a poor line coming from a man. Notice how Sam and Dean just watch all this in the background like wallpaper and Sam is looking very uneasy. Dude needs some sleep. Just to show you how boring this episode is to me, I'm suddenly visualizing Sam and Dean a la Big Trouble in Little China taking some magic potion that makes them feel happy. An invincible. Maybe season seven if we're lucky.
Gabe goes on, saying that doesn't make him any less right about Lucifer and Kali things he's lying because he's a spy. Fine bitch, learn the hard way. Gabe tells the truth, he's not a spy, he's a runaway. "I'm trying to save you. I know my brother Kali. He should scare the living crap out of you. You can't beat him. I've skipped ahead, seen how this story ends." She's too pigheaded, saying it's his story, not theirs. Wanna bet? "Westerners, I swear the sheer arrogance. You think you're the only ones on earth? You pillage and you butcher in your God's name. Oh but you're not the only religion, and he's not the only God. And now you just think you can rip the planet apart? You're wrong. There are billions of us and we were here first."
You know, she has a point and normally I would accept this with sympathy and support, but it's so poorly made here and useless considering the cold hearted bitch plunges the blade into Gabriel. "If anyone gets to end this world, it's me." Oh yeah babe, great way of proving that you are so much better. I swear, with powerful and really shallow Gods like this having followers, the planet does deserve a bit of a torching, don't you think? She's making Lucifer look like a saint in his plan to destroy life on earth. Of course Gabe looks at her like "How could you?" but he's too busy flaming out in the white light to continue. Sam and Dean watch with horror, realizing their one hope at killing Lucifer is gone.
Oh, but is he? I don't see those dark angel wings around. Yes, I picked up on that pretty quick. Kali looks sad, but it's way too late for that bitch. Lucifer's gonna be pissed. Not at Gabe being dead, but just at you existing. Mercury thinks the idea of killing an archangel is crazy. Kali realizes archangels can die and she can kill Lucifer. Think again! Do your angel killing homework babe. Man, there's never been a point where I've wanted to see the Devil more.
Dean sees enough, and says exactly what we're all thinking and pay attention, this is one of two very worthwhile scenes in this episode. He stands up. "Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up." Ha! About time someone said that. Sam looks at him with alarm. "Are you out of your mind?" Come on Sam, you both are screwed, lighten up. "I'm out of options," he says in a low voice to Sam. "Now, on any other given day I'd be doing my damndest to kill you. You filthy murdering chimps. But hey, desperate times. So even though I'd love nothing better than to slit your throats you dicks, I'm gonna help you." It's so funny, he's got this shit eating grin when he's facing them, then he turns around to get a drink and his expression changes to "what the fuck am I doing?" Good ole Dean.
Dean says he's going to help them ice the Devil. Sam of course takes this news with complete disdain. Come on Sam, play along. "And then we can all get back to ganking each other like normal." He gets plenty of stares, but still has everyone's attention. "You want Lucifer? Well, dude's not in the yellow pages." Dean has them eating out of his hands while Sam is squirming like crazy, not loving this plan one bit. "Me and Sam, we can get him here." Kali wants to know how. Dean won't tell her until the "main courses" go. Clever Dean, clever. "We can either take on the Devil together, or you lame ass bitches can eat me."
Bwah!!! Finally, I'm enjoying something from this episode. The looks on Dean and Sam's faces are just too good. Dean finishes when what he just said has sunk in. "Literally." Okay, finally a scene to save this episode from "Bugs" status. I'm dying here! However, that would have been way better if Sam had faked to the others a supportive "listen to the man" look and then turned to Dean with an "are you fucking crazy" expression. However, at this point, I'll take what I can get.
A ton of people start running from the motel for their freaking lives with Dean running them off. I know some cultures like the cleaver wielding Chinese dude are into human sacrifices, but Hindus? Aren't they like Vegetarian or something? I didn't think Norse Gods were that way either. It just goes to show my ignorance with these sorts of things. Dean stands outside next to the Impala and what do you know, Gabe is in the back seat going, "Psst, Dean." I knew he wasn't dead! He is after all the Trickster. He knows how to fake death. Which is why I don't get how Kali was tricked so easily.
Gabe tells a disbelieving Dean not to look at him, act natural and get in. "There's nothing natural about this at all. I thought you were dead." You're so right Dean. Gabe can't believe Dean would think he would give Kali his real sword. "That thing can kill me." They have a fake made out of a can of diet orange slice. Alright, whatever. Gabe wants him to snag their blood. He heard Dean in there. Kali likes him. She has a thing for dicks. He wants him to get the blood and they vamoose.
"No," says Dean. He wants Gabe to hand over the real blade. "Better yet, why don't you sack up and help us take down Lucifer." Gabe can't believe he's serious. "Since when are you butt buddies with a bunch of monsters? That's all they are to you, aren't they?" Dean thinks Sam was right. Its nuts but it's the best idea he's heard. He asks for a better one from Gabe but doesn't get one. Gabe is ready to get out of there and let "those lemmings run off a cliff." Dean instead calls out Gabe on his smart ass show of not caring but he does, for it takes one to know one. That is so true!
"Maybe those freaks in there aren't your blood, but they are your family." Gabe wisely points out they just stabbed him in the heart. They're better than your real brothers Gabe. Dean agrees but knows he still gives a crap about them. Gabe doesn't argue. Dean says they're gonna die in there without him. "I can't kill my brother," Gabe says. Yeah Dean, listen to the man. You of all people should relate. No, instead Dean asks "Can't or won't?" Huh? They have a stare down. "That's what I thought." Dean leaves. Come on Dean. You're better than this. Why in the world would you expect Gabe to kill his brother? Offer to do it instead. You've got the angel killing mojo thing going. I feel that out of character word coming on againâ€¦Bazinga!
Back to Kali and Baldur with Sam. Kali is skeptical he can summon Lucifer. "Sort of. I just need you to squeegee some stuff from my ribs and he'll come running." "Breaking them would be easier," Kali says. Sure, but that won't get Lucifer there. Sam is acting way too nervous BTW. Come on Sam, follow Dean's lead. Show a little swagger. I know you can do it. Dean walks in to spare Sam any more strife. He tells them the sword's a fake and Gabe is still kicking. "I hate to break it to you sister but you've been tricked." This stuns both Sam and Kali. At last! Some vulnerability on this bitch. Someone rings the bell at the front desk and Mercury greats him. "Checking in." Wait, I know that voice. It's Lucifer! Lucifer in one rotting meat suit. I'm sure he's really anxious to see Sam.
Mercury thanks Lucifer for coming. Oh you stupid bastard. Lucifer tells him he was right for calling and Mercury says the talk in there isn't going so well. Lucifer is in a grumpy mood. Must be the decaying flesh. "You know, I never understood you pagans. You're such petty little things. Always fighting, always happy to sell out your own kind. No wonder you forfeited this planet to us." Okay, when the person making the most sense all episode is Lucifer, something is wrong. Or right. I haven't figured that out yet. "You are worse than humans. You're worse than demons. Yet you claim to be Gods." He takes out Mercury in a neck snap with one flick of the finger. He so had that coming.
The lights in the ballroom start flickering and everyone gets worried. Sam looks especially freaked. Back to Lucifer in the hallway taking out all the other Gods in bloody fashion. This is a fine visual, but all Lucifer has to do is wave his hand and they all drop dead. It seems like this whole fight scene was a time killer. Either that or its in Mark Pellegrino's contract that he must be badass in the bloodiest way possible. Lucifer stares at the piles of bodies with sheer hatred and moves on. Back to the ballroom and now Sam is outright freaking out. "It's him," he says. Dean tells them to zap them out of there but Baldur says they can't and that's because Lucifer is right there. "Of course you can't," Lucifer says. "You didn't say â€˜mother may I?'" Oh, he's a cheeky Devil. He tells Sam and Dean it's good to see them again and Baldur comes forward in a challenge. Good, this tool really needs a bloody end.
He gets it when Lucifer puts his hand right through him. "No one gives us the right, we take it." Ah, I see, its conquest now. The themes in this episode are just way too big for the small dramatic moments here. We see the looks on Sam and Dean's faces. They are both now internally screaming. Sam and Dean back away in horror so Kali tries next, her arms lighting on fire. Lucifer is pretty smug, especially when her fireball just bounces right off of him. Lucky for Sam and Dean, they're able to duck behind a table as the flames swirl over their heads. Lucifer punches Kali across the room. Granted I'd say that's no way to treat a lady, but she had it coming.
Sam asks Dean if he's okay. "Not really," Gabriel answers. He's now there ducking behind the table with them. "Better late than never, huh?" Sam and Dean both nod in agreement. Gabe's looking pretty nervous. I think he knows what's about to happen. He hands Dean a DVD of Casa Erotica 13 and tells him to guard this with his life. Then he goes into action. Lucifer is about to take out Kali and is then flung backwards, sliding through the doors. He gets up to see Gabriel there with a sword. "Luci, I'm home!" That's great! Leave it up to Gabe to challenge his evil brother with a popular pop culture reference.
Lucifer goes forward but Gabe stops him. "Not this time." He picks up Kali and tells Sam and Dean to get her out of there. Gabe offers them full protection as they slip out of there. Lucifer thinks it's funny that Gabriel is doing this over a girl. "I knew you were slumming but, I hope you didn't catch anything." Gabe smiles at him. He tells him he loves him, but he's a great big bag of dicks. Lucifer takes offense but remembers Gabe still has the sword. Gabe decides to do some scolding. "Look at yourself. Boo hoo. Daddy was mean to me so I'm going to smash up all his toys." Lucifer warns him to watch his tone.
"Play the victim all you want but you and me, we know the truth. Dad loved you best. More than Michael, more than me. Then he brought the new baby home and you couldn't handle it." I'm thinking he's talking about humans, right? Raphael's supposed to be in there somewhere too but I'm not sure anyone cares about him. "All this is just a great big temper tantrum." They smile at each other. Gabe waves the sword. "Time to grow up." In the meantime, Sam, Dean and Kali burst through the exits. "I'm not getting in that thing," Kali declares. "Just get in the car princess," Dean tells her. She does as told and they peel out of there. Off camera, she frees them of her blood spell and moves on. It's really nifty.
Lucifer is wondering if Gabe is doing this for Michael. Gabe says screw him, if he were there he'd "shiv his ass too." Ooh, this is sibling rivalry at its nastiest. Or what I call summer vacation. Lucifer calls him disloyal but Gabe claims he is loyal. "To them." Lucifer wonders if he's talking about the Gods. "To people Lucifer. People." Lucifer can't believe he's willing to die for a pile of cockroaches. Why? "Because Dad was right. They are better than us." "They are broken, flawed abortions," Lucifer says with spite.
"Damn right they're flawed," replies Gabriel, "but a lot of them try, to do better. To forgive. And you should see the Spearmint Rhino." I'm assuming he's talking about the Vegas strip club. In other words, we're fun. "I've been riding the pine a long time, but I'm in the game now. I'm not on your side, or Michael's. I'm on theirs." Gabe's speech really saddens Lucifer. "Brother, don't make me do this." "No one makes us do anything," Gabe says.
Lucifer doesn't get the memo, because he's a prideful stubborn asshole. "I know that you're thinking you're doing the right thing Gabriel, but I know where your heart truly lies." Suddenly Gabe is behind him too and attacks with the sword. Lucifer feels him coming though and swings around and plunges the sword into Gabriel's gut. "Here." Lucifer taunts Gabe's amateur hocus pocus. "Don't forget, you learned all your tricks from me little brother." Lucifer pushes the sword in further and Gabriel bursts into white light. Crud. Another character I really care about dying. Since when did this show become Lost? Oh yeah, both became each other this season.
Lucifer looks at his dead brother and it really is killing him inside. Forget Lucifer, this is killing ME inside. Not Gabriel! You fucking bastards. If you're so sad Luci, why did you do it? The final shot pulls away to show a dead Gabriel lying on the floor in the middle of the dark wings. He's really dead . You know, this one for me hurts the worse. Our beloved favorite character Gabe stood up for humanity and was taken out senselessly for doing the right thing. I really love the Trickster/ Gabriel if you can't tell. He is my favorite recurring character. This is depressing on so many levels. I don't think I'm ever going to watch this episode again. It was the same reaction I had when they killed Data in the Star Trek movie Nemesis. A pointless waste and I feel cheated. I'm taking this personally for once. Having said that though, Mark Pelligrino and Richard Speight Jr. rocked this scene. Brilliantly acted.
A disclaimer in red comes on with that typical porno music. The title card rolls, "Casa Erotica 13." A chick in slutty high heels and slutty black underwear talks in her diary about how being a high powered executive is "super fun" but so exhausting. Oh brother. Sadly, the writers aren't making that shit up. Pornos are like that. Slut needs to relax. She needs Casa Erotica. I can think of way better ways to relax. There's a knock on the door for room service and it's shown that Sam and Dean are watching this on Sam's laptop. "Gabriel wanted you to guard this with your life?" "Maybe he's a fan. It is a good one." Oh Dean. Your tastes are so off. We learned that though with Dr. Sexy MD. Crud, that reminded me of the good ole days of The Trickster. I'm busting into tears again.
Back to the porno, and Gabriel in a cheesy mustache enters in a waiter's outfit. He's bringing the Kielbasa she ordered. "Ooh, Polish?" She asks. "Hungarian," Gabriel says. Sorry, I'm giggling a bit more than usual, since my heart totally broken. He throws the tray and goes for the girl. Sam and Dean are still missing the point. There are scenes of Gabriel groping this girl all over while in a liplock and Sam and Dean look a little uncomfortable. Sam asks "what the hell's going on."
Gabe then turns toward the camera. "Sam, Dean, you're probably wondering what the hell's going on." He rips off the cheesy Hungarian mustache. "Well, if you're watching this, I'm dead." That gets an eyebrow raise from Sam. "Oh please, stop sobbing, it's embarrassing for all of us." He goes on to explain that without him, they've got a zero shot at killing Lucifer. "Sorry! But, you can trap him. The cage you sprung Lucifer from, it's still down there and maybe, just maybe you can shove his ass back in. Not that it'll be easy. You gotta get the cage open, trick my bro back into it, and oh yeah, avoid Michael and the God squad. But hey, details, right?"
Okay, I've got a question. If Gabe knew about the rings, why in the world did he sacrifice himself by trying to kill Lucifer? No logic there. That only solidifies the death to be senseless. Gabe goes on, Sam and Dean at full attention now. "And here's the big secret. Lucifer himself doesn't even know. The key to the cage, it's out there." It's keys plural, four keys. Actually four rings, the rings of the horsemen. They get them all, they get the cage. "Can't say I'm betting on you boys but hey, I've been wrong before."
Sam and Dean look at each other stunned by this new development. "And Dean, you were right, I was afraid to stand up to my brother. But not anymore." He stands up. "So this is me standing up," he says when complete seriousness. Then he goes back into character. "And this is me, lying down." He goes back to doing it with the hot chick. Sam and Dean get grossed out and Sam shuts the laptop. Dean goes through the idea about the Horsemen. They've got two out of the four, but then editor still manages to work in the past scenes with War and Famine just in case we forgot. Also because they're killing time. All they need is Pestilence and Death. They see the impossibility of the plan and drive on, I'm sure spending hours brainstorming in the car.
You know, I was brave enough to recap the other two really gross scenes from "My Bloody Valentine" and "Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid," but I'm not doing this one. Let's just declare Dabb and Loflin the winners in the writers' gross each other out contest. I'll skim through it. An old beat up AMC Hornet in Nevada pulls up to a convenience store. Lots of mucus flies everywhere from one really sickly looking Matt Frewer! It's Max Headroom! It must be Pestilence. I'll only commend the inspired casting in this scene. He pulls away with a smirk for a job well done, his license plate donning "SIK N TRD" and a ton of flies swarming. Oh joy.
Okay, so this was a major disappointment for me, but for once I'm in the minority. This is replacing "Swap Meat" for me as the worst episode of the season. Onto the explosive next three, written by the power trio of Edlund, Gamble, and Kripke. Everyone get ready for some sleepless nights!