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The lights in the ballroom start flickering and everyone gets worried. Sam looks especially freaked. Back to Lucifer in the hallway taking out all the other Gods in bloody fashion. This is a fine visual, but all Lucifer has to do is wave his hand and they all drop dead. It seems like this whole fight scene was a time killer. Either that or its in Mark Pellegrino's contract that he must be badass in the bloodiest way possible. Lucifer stares at the piles of bodies with sheer hatred and moves on. Back to the ballroom and now Sam is outright freaking out. "It's him," he says. Dean tells them to zap them out of there but Baldur says they can't and that's because Lucifer is right there. "Of course you can't," Lucifer says. "You didn't say â€˜mother may I?'" Oh, he's a cheeky Devil. He tells Sam and Dean it's good to see them again and Baldur comes forward in a challenge. Good, this tool really needs a bloody end.
He gets it when Lucifer puts his hand right through him. "No one gives us the right, we take it." Ah, I see, its conquest now. The themes in this episode are just way too big for the small dramatic moments here. We see the looks on Sam and Dean's faces. They are both now internally screaming. Sam and Dean back away in horror so Kali tries next, her arms lighting on fire. Lucifer is pretty smug, especially when her fireball just bounces right off of him. Lucky for Sam and Dean, they're able to duck behind a table as the flames swirl over their heads. Lucifer punches Kali across the room. Granted I'd say that's no way to treat a lady, but she had it coming.
Sam asks Dean if he's okay. "Not really," Gabriel answers. He's now there ducking behind the table with them. "Better late than never, huh?" Sam and Dean both nod in agreement. Gabe's looking pretty nervous. I think he knows what's about to happen. He hands Dean a DVD of Casa Erotica 13 and tells him to guard this with his life. Then he goes into action. Lucifer is about to take out Kali and is then flung backwards, sliding through the doors. He gets up to see Gabriel there with a sword. "Luci, I'm home!" That's great! Leave it up to Gabe to challenge his evil brother with a popular pop culture reference.
Lucifer goes forward but Gabe stops him. "Not this time." He picks up Kali and tells Sam and Dean to get her out of there. Gabe offers them full protection as they slip out of there. Lucifer thinks it's funny that Gabriel is doing this over a girl. "I knew you were slumming but, I hope you didn't catch anything." Gabe smiles at him. He tells him he loves him, but he's a great big bag of dicks. Lucifer takes offense but remembers Gabe still has the sword. Gabe decides to do some scolding. "Look at yourself. Boo hoo. Daddy was mean to me so I'm going to smash up all his toys." Lucifer warns him to watch his tone.
"Play the victim all you want but you and me, we know the truth. Dad loved you best. More than Michael, more than me. Then he brought the new baby home and you couldn't handle it." I'm thinking he's talking about humans, right? Raphael's supposed to be in there somewhere too but I'm not sure anyone cares about him. "All this is just a great big temper tantrum." They smile at each other. Gabe waves the sword. "Time to grow up." In the meantime, Sam, Dean and Kali burst through the exits. "I'm not getting in that thing," Kali declares. "Just get in the car princess," Dean tells her. She does as told and they peel out of there. Off camera, she frees them of her blood spell and moves on. It's really nifty.
Lucifer is wondering if Gabe is doing this for Michael. Gabe says screw him, if he were there he'd "shiv his ass too." Ooh, this is sibling rivalry at its nastiest. Or what I call summer vacation. Lucifer calls him disloyal but Gabe claims he is loyal. "To them." Lucifer wonders if he's talking about the Gods. "To people Lucifer. People." Lucifer can't believe he's willing to die for a pile of cockroaches. Why? "Because Dad was right. They are better than us." "They are broken, flawed abortions," Lucifer says with spite.
"Damn right they're flawed," replies Gabriel, "but a lot of them try, to do better. To forgive. And you should see the Spearmint Rhino." I'm assuming he's talking about the Vegas strip club. In other words, we're fun. "I've been riding the pine a long time, but I'm in the game now. I'm not on your side, or Michael's. I'm on theirs." Gabe's speech really saddens Lucifer. "Brother, don't make me do this." "No one makes us do anything," Gabe says.
Lucifer doesn't get the memo, because he's a prideful stubborn asshole. "I know that you're thinking you're doing the right thing Gabriel, but I know where your heart truly lies." Suddenly Gabe is behind him too and attacks with the sword. Lucifer feels him coming though and swings around and plunges the sword into Gabriel's gut. "Here." Lucifer taunts Gabe's amateur hocus pocus. "Don't forget, you learned all your tricks from me little brother." Lucifer pushes the sword in further and Gabriel bursts into white light. Crud. Another character I really care about dying. Since when did this show become Lost? Oh yeah, both became each other this season.
Lucifer looks at his dead brother and it really is killing him inside. Forget Lucifer, this is killing ME inside. Not Gabriel! You fucking bastards. If you're so sad Luci, why did you do it? The final shot pulls away to show a dead Gabriel lying on the floor in the middle of the dark wings. He's really dead . You know, this one for me hurts the worse. Our beloved favorite character Gabe stood up for humanity and was taken out senselessly for doing the right thing. I really love the Trickster/ Gabriel if you can't tell. He is my favorite recurring character. This is depressing on so many levels. I don't think I'm ever going to watch this episode again. It was the same reaction I had when they killed Data in the Star Trek movie Nemesis. A pointless waste and I feel cheated. I'm taking this personally for once. Having said that though, Mark Pelligrino and Richard Speight Jr. rocked this scene. Brilliantly acted.
A disclaimer in red comes on with that typical porno music. The title card rolls, "Casa Erotica 13." A chick in slutty high heels and slutty black underwear talks in her diary about how being a high powered executive is "super fun" but so exhausting. Oh brother. Sadly, the writers aren't making that shit up. Pornos are like that. Slut needs to relax. She needs Casa Erotica. I can think of way better ways to relax. There's a knock on the door for room service and it's shown that Sam and Dean are watching this on Sam's laptop. "Gabriel wanted you to guard this with your life?" "Maybe he's a fan. It is a good one." Oh Dean. Your tastes are so off. We learned that though with Dr. Sexy MD. Crud, that reminded me of the good ole days of The Trickster. I'm busting into tears again.
Back to the porno, and Gabriel in a cheesy mustache enters in a waiter's outfit. He's bringing the Kielbasa she ordered. "Ooh, Polish?" She asks. "Hungarian," Gabriel says. Sorry, I'm giggling a bit more than usual, since my heart totally broken. He throws the tray and goes for the girl. Sam and Dean are still missing the point. There are scenes of Gabriel groping this girl all over while in a liplock and Sam and Dean look a little uncomfortable. Sam asks "what the hell's going on."
Gabe then turns toward the camera. "Sam, Dean, you're probably wondering what the hell's going on." He rips off the cheesy Hungarian mustache. "Well, if you're watching this, I'm dead." That gets an eyebrow raise from Sam. "Oh please, stop sobbing, it's embarrassing for all of us." He goes on to explain that without him, they've got a zero shot at killing Lucifer. "Sorry! But, you can trap him. The cage you sprung Lucifer from, it's still down there and maybe, just maybe you can shove his ass back in. Not that it'll be easy. You gotta get the cage open, trick my bro back into it, and oh yeah, avoid Michael and the God squad. But hey, details, right?"
Okay, I've got a question. If Gabe knew about the rings, why in the world did he sacrifice himself by trying to kill Lucifer? No logic there. That only solidifies the death to be senseless. Gabe goes on, Sam and Dean at full attention now. "And here's the big secret. Lucifer himself doesn't even know. The key to the cage, it's out there." It's keys plural, four keys. Actually four rings, the rings of the horsemen. They get them all, they get the cage. "Can't say I'm betting on you boys but hey, I've been wrong before."
Sam and Dean look at each other stunned by this new development. "And Dean, you were right, I was afraid to stand up to my brother. But not anymore." He stands up. "So this is me standing up," he says when complete seriousness. Then he goes back into character. "And this is me, lying down." He goes back to doing it with the hot chick. Sam and Dean get grossed out and Sam shuts the laptop. Dean goes through the idea about the Horsemen. They've got two out of the four, but then editor still manages to work in the past scenes with War and Famine just in case we forgot. Also because they're killing time. All they need is Pestilence and Death. They see the impossibility of the plan and drive on, I'm sure spending hours brainstorming in the car.
You know, I was brave enough to recap the other two really gross scenes from "My Bloody Valentine" and "Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid," but I'm not doing this one. Let's just declare Dabb and Loflin the winners in the writers' gross each other out contest. I'll skim through it. An old beat up AMC Hornet in Nevada pulls up to a convenience store. Lots of mucus flies everywhere from one really sickly looking Matt Frewer! It's Max Headroom! It must be Pestilence. I'll only commend the inspired casting in this scene. He pulls away with a smirk for a job well done, his license plate donning "SIK N TRD" and a ton of flies swarming. Oh joy.
Okay, so this was a major disappointment for me, but for once I'm in the minority. This is replacing "Swap Meat" for me as the worst episode of the season. Onto the explosive next three, written by the power trio of Edlund, Gamble, and Kripke. Everyone get ready for some sleepless nights!