Page 4 of 5Theyâ€™re back at the sheriffâ€™s office in their g-man suits. The sheriff is at a loss now. They go talk to two girls in the back room. Their friend was taken. By Paris Hilton. â€œShe looked really good.â€ â€œSkinny, and phat.â€ Oh, you know Julie Siege, the writer of this story, has been dying to use a line like that for a while. As Iâ€™m sure many other writers are. A stunned Dean asks â€œwhat, what, huh?â€ Sam asks where did they go? The girls donâ€™t know, they just vanished. Sam and Dean step aside to conference. Last they heard Paris Hilton was still alive. Relatively speaking, I suppose so. This is where the teamwork between these two starts to kick in. Dean starts, â€œEither Paris Hilton is a homicidal manic or-â€œ â€œwe missed something.â€ Sam finishes. Theyâ€™re finishing each otherâ€™s sentences. They are working things out!
Iâ€™m not sure why I love this, but Sam playing medical examiner in blue scrubs? Someone in costume design is wanking the fans, and we love it! More, more I say! Sam reads the chart, notices something, so heâ€™s got to cut open the body. Heâ€™s still getting squeamish. I donâ€™t get it, still. This should be nothing to him now! After all, he gores people all the time. He digs into the stomach, complaining about how ripe it is. Yep, dead body, thatâ€™ll happen. He pulls out the bloody glove with two small black objects in his hands. I guess he found something. He comes out where Dean is waiting and has found that with the victims there was major blood loss, more than normal. Like something was feeding. Then he shows Dean the two objects he found in the stomach. Theyâ€™re seeds. â€œTheyâ€™re unlike any other seed Iâ€™ve ever seen before Dean.â€ Dean gets all cute. â€œJust when I thought you couldnâ€™t get any geekier.â€ Ah, thereâ€™s the brotherly teasing we love.
Sam is at his computer and finds something. â€œYahtzee.â€ I would have said â€œBingo!â€, but thatâ€™s only because I donâ€™t play Yahtzee. Dean, whoâ€™s at his computer (Iâ€™m still loving that) asks what. The seeds arenâ€™t from around there. Theyâ€™re from an Eastern European forest in the Balkans that isnâ€™t there anymore. It was chopped down thirty years ago. Local legend is it was guarded by a Pagan God known as Leshii, a mischievous God that can take on infinite forms that could only be appeased with the blood of its worshippers. Oh, those pesky Pagan Gods. Theyâ€™re always up to something. Dean theorizes that Leshii morphs only when it touches something that belonged to the celebrity. Sam canâ€™t refute that theory. The only way to kill it is to chop off its head with an iron axe. Oh, it thatâ€™s all. Of course, how come no one has done it by now? How do they know that works? I dismiss, for headless Paris Hilton is kind of fun. â€œAlright, letâ€™s go gank ourselves a Paris Hilton.â€
Theyâ€™re in the wax museum again and find an area closed for renovations. So naturally, they go in. Itâ€™s an idyllic fake forest setting, just perfect for a Pagan God of a forest. They find the missing girl tied to a tree and barely alive. Deanâ€™s axe goes flying at its Paris Hilton! In a cute blue party dress. She smacks Dean around knocks him down. Then she straightens her hair and sends Sam flying! He hits the tree and heâ€™s out cold. Dean looks up in time to see Paris Hilton hovering over him. â€œAwesome,â€ she says with a smile and then takes him out with her blue high heeled shoe. That is awesome actually!
Paris Hilton picks up a rusty old knife and starts sharpening her nails with it. Dean and Sam and now tied to trees, and how can they stand there so rigid if they were knocked out? Iâ€™m assuming the Leshi had a magic way. Dean wakes up to see the sparks flying from Parisâ€™ nails. Sam wakes up and Paris is happy theyâ€™re awake for this. This is gonna be huge. â€œIâ€™ve been stuffing myself with fast food lately to its nice to do the ritual right. A nice slow meal for a change.â€ We get the standard Pagan God speech a la â€œA Very Supernatural Christmas.â€ People used to adore her and throw themselves at her with smiles on their faces. Now they donâ€™t. Worship ainâ€™t itâ€™s all cracked up to be.
That all changed with they cut down her forest to build a Yugo plant. Dean calls that a â€œmarch of progressâ€ but the Yugo actually sent automobile engineering backwards. I kind of cringe at the mention of those motorized tin cans. When I was living in Michigan, there was a story about a local woman who went missing after traveling to the Upper Peninsula to visit her boyfriend. Turns out, she was driving her Yugo across the Mackinac Bay Bridge on a day where the winds were very heavy. It blew so hard it tossed her, car and all, off the bridge. Needless to say, Yugo sales plummeted after that.
Back to the Leshi, the story is she wandered around, hungry, scrounging for scraps. â€œBut then, the best thing ever happened. Someone tripped the apocalypse and I thought â€˜what the hell, Iâ€™m tired of watching what I eat.â€™ I wanna pig out.â€ Youâ€™re a Pagan God and you donâ€™t know that person is right in front of you? Especially when Sam is looking at you with the guiltiest look on his face? You should be kissing his feet! Okay, maybe I should be kissing his feet. Not for those reasons though. Iâ€™ll shut up now.
She found this nice little place where adoring fans stroll right in the door. Theyâ€™re not her fans, but sheâ€™ll take what she can get. Dean calls her the nuttiest God theyâ€™ve met, but I still think Madge and Edward Carrigan are. Paris very wisely points out â€œyou peopleâ€ are nuts, and sheâ€™s so right! â€œYou used to worship Gods, but this (she points to herself), this is what passes for a dollar tree? Celebrities? What have they got besides small dogs and spray tans?â€ Money sister. Plenty of it. But I personally know money isnâ€™t everything. â€œYou people used to have old time religion. Now you have US Weekly.â€ Yes, and both are really wacked if you ask me.
â€œI donâ€™t know, Iâ€™m more of a Penthouse forum man myself.â€ Thatâ€™s all Deanâ€™s got? She comes over and comments how thereâ€™s plenty of yummy meat on those bones. Iâ€™ll say! â€œOh, I hate to break it to you sister, but you canâ€™t eat me. Iâ€™m not a Paris Hilton BFF. Iâ€™ve never even seen House of Wax. Cut to Sam, who looks at Dean with disdain. Oh, thatâ€™s priceless! Finally, the inside joke. Itâ€™s wonderful too. Speaking of which, Iâ€™m showing the picture of Jared at the House of Wax premiere. He has the absolutely ugliest shirt on! More evidence that Samâ€™s prized white ugly shirt came from the actorâ€™s wardrobe.
Paris can totally read his mind. She knows who his hero is. His daddy. The axe belonged to John, so sheâ€™s going to morph into John Winchester now. â€œOne absent father figure coming up.â€ How cool! Will Jeffrey Dean Morgan be appearing? No, because Dean breaks free in time to make a charge at Paris. He tackles her and she proceeds to pound the living crap out of him. Sam fights against his ropes and then breaks free, just in time to jump over the two and grab the axe. With five vicious swings and blood spurting all over his face, Sam takes Paris Hiltonâ€™s head off. That had to have been a blast for him to film. He gets his House of Wax revenge.
The cut off head of Paris is shown rocking on the ground, the diamond earring and headband still sparkling. Thatâ€™s one way to take out a princess. Dean, on the ground, looks up at Sam and sees whatâ€™s coming. â€œNot a word.â€ Sam goes on anyway, with this great teasing smile underneath all that blood. â€œDude, you just got wailed on by Paris Hilton.â€ Dean says shut up. Ah, Iâ€™m loving this equal ground thing. Itâ€™s about time Sam got some payback.