Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me.
Sacrifice. The operative word on Planet Winchester. Almost ever since we became acquainted with Sam and Dean, and their real and surrogate family, we also witnessed, broken heartedly, how they were ready to give everything, literally everything, to save one another.
Mary sold her soul as a young woman to save John, and I doubt she realized the extent of her deal that moment. John struck a deal to save Deanâ€™s life. Dean sold his soul to bring Sam back. Bobby pawned his to help the men he loved like sons. Sam endangered his soul by drinking demon blood to stop the apocalypse and eventually allowed Lucifer to ride his body in order to save the world.
I have grown accustomed to the various emotions still haunting me when thinking of Samâ€™s last decision, but my heart still breaks for him.
Although I have loved Dean for his bravado and sharp tongue and all the good traits that are his amazing nature, I have always carried Sam in my heart â€“ if you can say that about a fictional character. Some of his reactions seemed familiar to me and I loved his gentle soul and, frankly, I somewhat fell in love with the guy. He will always, always be in my heart with the other great characters Iâ€™ve grown to love ever since I started reading books or watching movies and tv. So will Dean, but not as intensely as his younger brother, I have to admit. I have to thank Kripke and all the writers for that â€“ for giving me, us, such complex, beautiful, multi-layered fictional characters.
With the deep affection Iâ€™ve felt from the beginning for Sam, I have followed his journey with great curiosity and, as dangerous clouds darkened his horizon, with trepidation and concern.
He evolved to a really grown up person, distanced from the young rebellious guy who could throw a tantrum over one of his fatherâ€™s words. Well, he was forced to grow or else he might have lost his sanity. In the beginning he still wanted to return to a â€˜normalâ€™ life, the kind he had planned, in vain, with Jessica, leaving the family again after they would have found dad.
That, however, changed. Eventually he sought peace with revenge, not being able to bear the pain of losing his brother to hell otherwiseâ€¦ the guilt over that must have consumed him â€“ after all, Dean died at the claws of hell hounds for Samâ€™s sake, having sold his soul because he could not live without his brother.
Easily he fell for Rubyâ€™s bait and trusted her, at some point perhaps loved her, because she became the only stable factor in his life after Dean was gone, and he pushed others, like Bobby, away. Sam dealt with grief in an aggressive way â€“ on the one hand seeking revenge, on the other punishing himself, thereby turning the aggressive energy inward which must have felt like a red hot iron slicing into his soul.
He had to survive one of the most difficult journeys a human being can â€“ realizing that his good intentions had in fact brought about a disaster and not being able to find redemption, yet. On the contrary â€“ he suffered his brotherâ€™s mistrust and anger and guilt which Dean directed at him, in the beginning of season five without any mercy.
Sam had no other intention but to do the right thing. He did what he believed to be right. That this eventually helped Lucifer out of his cage (just as Deanâ€™s breaking of the first seal, equally unbeknownst to him) was not the intended goal. His only mistake probably was to trust the wrong person, sorry, demon, and believing in his powers. He was also hoping to find peace with revenge, I think.
Well, we know what happened.
Sam spend almost the entire fifth season trying to redeem himself. He fought desperately to win his brotherâ€™s trust again and often he didnâ€™t know how to do it, because what ever he tried Dean had trouble letting him back in. The atmosphere in the brothersâ€™ relationship was tense, soften sometimes with humour and/or danger, but it took Dean almost all twenty two episodes to see Sam at eye level and trust him again, unconditionally at a high price, though.
Sam must have suffered like a dog, but he managed to get through by functioning and doing his job. Not the worst strategy, even though the pain about the situation and his desperate wish to take it back must have eaten away at him like one of those hellhounds.
He found something else to help him through: hope. A most amazing development, given the difficulty of their situation.
He remembered their job â€˜saving people, hunting thingsâ€™ and their responsibility to save the world from the angels having their little â€˜pissing contestâ€™. He dragged Dean who had almost given up back into the game and was hugely accountable for Dean changing his mind and not saying yes â€“ because his elder brother didnâ€™t want to let Sam down. A sign that Dean found his way back to his brother again, even before he voiced it.
In the end, finally, he saw a chance to set things right â€“ as he said in the first episode, heâ€™d â€˜do anything, anything to take it backâ€™ â€“ and took it.
Bloody stupid plan that was, Sam. And how amazingly brilliant, too.
The moment Sam mentioned the idea to Bobby on the phone we knew he was going to do it. And we also knew that he would not do it behind Deanâ€™s back. Not betray his brotherâ€™s trust again.
The situation was desperate. Forlorn and hopeless. Their chances at beating the devil were low, but it was the only thing to do to at least try to save billions of people.