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Fan/Writer #3

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How do I feel now that Supernatural has ended? On the surface that’s a simple question, but the answer is … complicated.

I feel confused. I expected to be overwhelmed with sadness and loss, but I’m not feeling those emotions at all. Why don’t I feel an emptiness over Supernatural ending? Why am I not sad?

I’m feeling defeated. I’ve woken up every night for no reason but then haven’t been able to go back to sleep – and that’s on the nights when I go to sleep at all. I’m not thinking about anything in particular at 3am, but I have a vague sense that something is wrong. My mind keeps searching for answers but I really don’t know what questions I’m trying to solve, so there I lay, listening to the wind outside my window. Thank goodness for melatonin and Tylenol PM.

I don’t feel like myself. It feels like a mid-life identity crisis, but I thought those were one-and-done! I’m not at all interested in questioning my life choices and redefining who I am as a person, but here I am, doing that all over again.

Mostly I’m angry, and resentful, and all manner of negative emotions that I don’t like having. A large part of those feelings were triggered by show-related events surrounding its ending that I don’t want to share but were very unexpected and very hurtful. But I’m trying to separate that anger from the anger I feel because the show that I love killed Dean.

I get angry every time someone says “it had to end this way.” No, it didn’t. This ending was a choice made by the writers. There were many other ways the ending could have been true to the characters and the story yet still resulted in “peace when you are done.” I’m angry that the brothers didn’t live out their lives together and didn’t get a chance to be happy in life. I’m angry that Supernatural betrayed some of the underlying tenets that drew me to it in the first place, like goodness defeating evil. I’m angry that it chose to reflect real life and give us yet another example that horrible things happen to good people and life isn’t fair. I know that about real life! Supernatural was my escape from those things! It was my inspiration. It gave its fans strength and an unwavering message of hope that no matter how impossible things seem, never give up and you’ll eventually find a way to makes things better. It was about heroes and the strength of family, and how regular people can fight to make the world a better place. But it ended by defeating one of the champions of everything I stated above. Sorry, just kidding. Life’s a b, then you die. I don’t believe that for one second, so why did this show end up being about that?

So I’m scared that means I made a mistake in loving something that didn’t deserve my love or time or attention for all these years. Jensen said he didn't like the ending when he first heard it but that now he's okay with it. I wonder if that will also happen to the fans who didn't like the ending, after they've had the months of processing time that Jensen has had.

For now, given the anger and betrayal I feel, I don't want to rewatch episodes. I don’t want to find new insights to write about. I don’t want to go to conventions, or watch fan vids. If I see Sam and Dean together in the Impala, I’m going to lose it. It’s as if that spike in the barn punctured the bubble of joy that was inside of me that loved Supernatural. I don’t feel that love anymore.

So I'm scared that means I’ve lost Supernatural forever. Does that mean I've lost Supernatural forever? 

I hope not. I think it means I’m in some stage of grief. I don’t know which stage without looking it up, but I know it’s uncomfortable here. So I’m giving it time until I get to that last stage of grief that means I can love the good memories again, and appreciate how much Supernatural has added to my life.